Atlanta United vs. D.C. United: How to pretend like you know what you're talking about for Matchday 11

What if we gave Luis Abram stilts?

Same as last time, y’all. We’re going to give you the tools to sound like the smartest person in the room in whatever room you happen to be watching the game. Whether that’s in the stadium. in your house, or in a chat room on the internet, we’re going to try and get you prepared. So get your mind right. This is more about you than it is about me. 

When the ball goes in the air toward Christian Benteke say: “Oh god, oh @#$%, oh @#$% me, life is a kaleidoscope of pain, @#$%.”